Thursday, 23 December 2010

Twas Two Nights Before Christmas - A Joe Hunter Poem

Twas Two Nights Before Christmas
(A Christmas poem featuring Joe Hunter)
Twas two nights before Christmas, when all through the house 
the killer was stirring, the heartless louse. The stocking was pulled over his head with care, 
in hopes no one would know him if they seen him there.
The children were tied up in their beds, while chloroform fumes danced in their heads.
 And mamma with her ‘kerchief employed as a gag,
 had just lost her brain after her husband was also whacked!

 When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
 the killer sprang from her body to see what was the matter.

Away to the window he flew like a flash, tugging up his zipper as he threw up the sash.
 The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
 gave the luster of mid-day to objects below.
 When, what to his worried eyes should appear,
 but a jet black Porsche, that should not have been there.

With a big ol’ driver, so lively and quick,
 he knew in a moment it must be that Rink.
 More rapid than an eagle his partner came,
 and he whistled, and shouted, and called the killer by name!

 "Now killer! Now, murderer! Now, rapist, I’m fixing, 
on coming on, stupid, to give you a Blitzing!”
 To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall the killer should dash away or else he would fall!

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
 when they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
 So up to the house-door Joe Hunter he flew,
 with his hand full of gun, and a KABAR too. 

And then, in a twinkling, the killer heard the clicks, the racking
 and chambering of the SIG-Sauer P226.

As he drew in his head, and was turning around, 
through the front window Hunter came with a bound. 

He was dressed all in black, from his head to his foot, 
and his clothes were all spotted with glass and with blood.

A bundle of hurt Hunter brought to this place, 
and he looked like the Grim Reaper, with his KABAR raised.

 His eyes-how they twinkled, his grim smile so scary!
 He brought up his gun, but he was in no hurry! 
His tight-lipped mouth was drawn up like a bow, 
as he unloaded the SIG like a flurry of snow.

There was a stump of an arm and a scatter of teeth,
 and the blood it encircled the killer’s head like a wreath.
 He had a wound in his face and more in his belly,
 where his intestines were pulped like a bowlful of jelly!

 He was shuddering and pumping, the guts right out his self,
 Hunter laughed when he saw him, in spite of himself!

A round through the eye and a chunk from his head, 
soon told Hunter that the killer was dead. 

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
 and pulled down the stocking, to identify the jerk.
 And spotting the incriminating tattoo aside the killer’s nose, 
he gave a nod, and he pulled out his phone!

He sprang to the Porsche, and Rink gave it throttle,
 and away they flew like the cork from a bottle.
 No one heard Hunter exclaim, ‘ere they drove out of sight,
 "Hi, Walter, a clean up crew’s required again tonight!"
Based with much respect on ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas’ a poem
 By Clement Moore.


Paul Grzegorzek said...

I'm not sure it's one i'll be reading to my godson on Christmas night...

SueH said...

Oh, very clever! You had fun with that,didn't you, Matt?

(maybe I should have done my 'Reacher' version in there's a challenge!)

Author said...

I couldn't help myself!

Hope you enjoyed much as I did composing it (the bones were already there of course, but it was still fun coming up with alternatives).

Lily Childs said...

Now that's much more fun than sweet little elves and a hairy old man with a beer gut.

Really made me smile - great rhythm too.

David Barber said...

I feel the need to swear, Matt, so I apologise in advance.....THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME!!! LOL!!!

I love the original and must have read it god knows how many times this last couple of weeks, but I think I have a favourite version now. Seriously, well done.

Merry Christmas, mate, and best wishes to you and your family for 2011!

Paul D Brazill said...

Ah! Smashing!